Critters, Critters and Critters Galore

We have enough critters.  But for odd reason, wildlife is flocking to our house to spend the winter.  We still have that huge Raccoon that keeps coming on the porch every evening about 7:30pm.  He, I have no idea if it really is a he, I haven't checked, just stands there and stares at the door.  I am not letting him in!  Now there is a skunk too.  Apparently they are buddies. Then we have our winter possum.  She or he started showing up last year and only visits after the first freeze, also hangs out on the porch, but not at the same time as Ricky Raccoon & Stinky the skunk.  Now we have what appears to be either a very small possum or maybe a mole, hard to see in dark, I'm going with midget possum, that is visiting the porch on a nightly basis.  I am not feeding any of them.
Maybe I should make a sign.  Go Away I am not going to let you in the house and I am not feeding you.  I know that they are probably hanging out under the porch because its warm but, they are traumatizing Monkey cat, who still refusing to come in the house.  She is convinced Sam is going to eat her.  Either that or she really doesn't want a cold nose up her butt, hard to tell.  Sam probably wouldn't eat any of the cats. The possum(s), skunks or Mole(s) are a different story.  The raccoon drives her bonkers and the red coon hound blood in her takes over.  She wants, really wants to chase the raccoon. 
i suggested to Bill that maybe raccoon hunting would be a good hobby for him and Sam.  They wouldn't need to kill the raccoon, they could just chase them up trees.  Sam would like that.  Besides, what are we going to do with a dead raccoon?  I am not that hungry, I am not eating one.  I could just open the door and let Sam out next time I hear the critters.  But I am not thinking that would be a good idea, she will take off.  She was gone for 2 1/2 hours Sunday evening and I worry about her.  She runs, very fast.  Its like the scene in the movie funny farm where they let the first dog out of the car and it takes off. Then they only see it occasionally running across the property.  That would be Sam. 

Right this minute Evan is sitting on Sam.  The boys are constantly on her, poor thing can't get any rest until the boys go to bed.  But after 6 pm, she tolerates no craziness from them.  No Running, No jumping, no screaming like bad B movie actors.
She will gently grab the offending child, usually Evan and pull him onto his butt.  Either the floor or the couch whichever is closest.  She has been know to sit on children who won't stay still.  When it is time for brushing teeth & getting ready for bed, she is very good at keeping them focused and heading in the right direction, herding them up the stairs and to the bathroom.  No detours allowed.  She is a good nanny.  She checks on them frequently at night.  And unfortunately for me,will wake anyone up who is still in bed by 7am. 
I am well aware no one gives a flying flip about my animal issues. Which are multiplying daily.
Here are what some of the new additions to the zoo.

Sharing some cat food!

seems a bit pissy
The Possum is pissy.  Probably would get along good with Mama cat.  Bill thinks I should kick the possum when I see it on the porch.  He's nuts.  See those teeth.  I am not that stupid.  I am sure he will attack.  Same with skunk.  I don't want to startle it. 

The critters we need don't seem to want to show up.  We could use a few chickens, a nice fat pig and a dairy cow.  Useful critters that taste good.
Although I have heard that possum is good, I don't want to try it.